what's on your mind, the minute someone asked you out to the movies, and mentioning no other names, than both of us. started to sound creepy doesn't it?! well that's what happened earlier tonight. i feel like i need to come up with an excuse just so i wouldn't have to go.

when i was turning on my computer, after watching Godfather 2, [for the 2nd time!], as always, my comp shows one of those pop-up stopper sign from panicware. then it hits me. somehow i'm no different with that software. when you ever got hurt by anybody, at sometime, somewhere ... ou wont be able to trust another person easily. you wont easily believe what they say, and you will always have bad thoughts about their actions. you even will become prejudice to every motivation he might have or will have. so you become just like a pop-up stopper from panicware! stopping every chance that pops up, and might cause you trouble or got you hurt in the future.

so much for a theory.

i'm having so much fun today. went to marisa's house, coz she's having her birthday party. well it's not actually a party, but it's more like a small gathering of close friends, eating, talking, laughing, and definitely taking pictures together.

i'm not able to sign in to friendster this moment, i wonder why. sometimes this site really piss me off..

got nothing to tell. kinda blanky today.

this may sound silly, but since last night, all i do is listening to yahoo! launch, 'love song' station! ahahaha, you might think that the songs will ultimately slice my heart in pain.. well surprisingly, it doesnt. i actually enjoy singing to the songs.. :) i take it as a progress, a positive one.

sonya messaged me on friendster today. she said i'm pretty, so i said thanks, and told him that looks can be deceiving. that beauty is vain. feels great to say that to her. ahahaha.

ficky called this afternoon, talked a little while. it kinda suprised me, coz we never actually had a long conversation before. it was good, and amusing. i told him, whose name that i wrote that night, when we're playing at regal. ughhhh ... he better be good in keeping a secret!

i filled out this friendster bulletin about friends and the first name that pops up when the question is read. then i realize that i kinda miss tista a lot! i haven't talk to him lately, when for me, he's one of my man friend that really there for me, whose advice and support really mean a lot to me. really miss him. so when u read this out ... let's go out and talk like we always do, ok mate!! hehehe

and one of the names that i wrote there was jedi's. i really miss talking to him as well. he's been gone for some days now, with no news whatsoever. i dont know whether i should feel worried, or just being plain about his absence. i really miss him, we havent seen each other for almost 2- 3 months now, and i guess, he doesnt think it as an issue to think about.

:: Phil Collins // Can't Stop Loving You ::

and from launch's love song station, i got this song while i'm writing the last paragraph.

"i cant stop loving you ... why should i even try?"

[phew!!! sigh ... pffttt ... WAKE UP!!]

let's see what i've learned so far. i've learned that God rejoices when we dream, that is, when we dare to dream. i read that from Max Lucado's newsletter about 'earthbound airborne'. now, i'm contemplating about the things that i once dreamt, but i let it go. i let it go, coz i dont have enough faith to see it coming true. some other dreams that i have, still there inside of me, but it exist for a long time coz i tune it to be not so impossible to do. or maybe i i let my dream get contaminated by my worries, so it becomes the result of my compromize.

the other thing that i've learned was from my mom. she told me that LOVE is a person .. i mean it's not a thing or a 'what'. but actually a 'who'. why? becoz love cant be divided into two. no person can be divided into two. let's face it, for all of you two timers out there .. none of the things that you're doing now gives you a whole satisfaction. what you commonly get is only confusion, restless, dissapointment, u name it. so basically, a heart that it divided in 2, will never feel any peace. you cant love a person, but still say that you love another person as well. that's totally bullshit! and u know it! love cannot be divided. period.

these two lessons that i had somehow related to each other. and the connection tells what's on my mind, and what's been bothering me the whole time. i cant really tell anddescribe it in details, but deep down i can tell, that these lessons touch my inner and revolutionize my way of thinking.

i woke up this morning, quite shocked coz my mom didnt woke me up to help her out with abbie. the truth is, abbie woke up at 3am this morning, and i cant help but wondering how my mom has to keep her company on that hour! but anyway, i finally woke and helped her only by getting the car out of the garage. that's all!!! too sleepy to do other things, since last night! and that's the big probs, i'm suppose to meet yumma online and i was extreamly tired, so i crashed. hehehehe

the other thing is, i actually has this feeling of urgency to read my bible first thing in the morning, again! and i just love that urge that's driven me. i pray, i read my bible, than i actually sing Jesus, You're my everything with my eyes closed, full focus to the One and only. i feel lifted. then comes the first test, reading adit's message on friendster, and tried real hard, to reply it without feeling mad. and u know what ... i did it!! phew!! talking about support from the High Place! hahaha ...

from bandung and back, all i get is an overall ache. sleeping in car really worn me out, especially my bones!! nothing has change inside of me, but then again, i do feel something is not right. i wonder what it is. i have the urge to do something, but i dont know what in specific. on sunday i went to kepala gading and watch this some kind of arts and craft exhibition. what i saw there, was absolutely wonderful! it makes me go back to the days when i'm so consumed with arts and craft works. it makes me feel occupied.

[sigh] ... i got this one dillema. marisa is turning 21 today. [HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAL!!!!], and she invites me to come to this gathering on friday. but on the same day, geez is launching their first single at rouge. pfffttt, i know which one i should choose, but still, the possibilities makes me wonder.

anyway... still celebrating marisa's birthday throughout the day!!

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	mysterious
Your hugs are...	warm
Your eyes...	twinkle in the moonlight
Your touch is...	irresistable
Your smell is...	refreshing
Your smile is...	amazing
Your love is...	eternal
Quiz created with MemeGen!

After The Music Fades ...

adit came back surprisingly into my life. he showed up on friendster, and add me to his friend's list. it was very shocking indeed. sms jedi about it, and he reply it through friendster's messaging after i approved adit's request. i felt terrible wrong and mislead by 'i dont know what!'. i felt stupid, and low. my reply to jedi's reaction was also mislead by my short thoughts. i thought that my -so called war- with adit has ended, at least i'd like to think it that way. but it seems that jedi can't accept my decision. he thinks that adit deserves to be treated and dealt with anger, hatred, bitterness, and vengeance. finally, jedi called this morning, and we talked about it. he admitted, that he tried to make me feel the way he feels towards this guy. in the end, i know i should choose my own way. and in the end i took me to cry my pain and confusion out, until he understands and agree with me. even though i know, it's hard for him to accept that. after that, we can talk normally without any arguments that matters. we hung up on each other nicely today. it made me smile.

then i met yumma online, and he helped me to look at my actual position, where exactly i'm standing on, right now. well, the way God lead me into knowing where i really am, kinda disappointed me. got kinda blue, so i quickly ended the conversation. even though he said bobby was online, and he kept on asking and talking about me. so what? i dont see a point in anything that went by that moment. i was feeling saved by my internet connection, that suddenly went out! hahaha.

but then again, i feel so tired with my situation. everything seems uncertain. i feel left behind. i feel, once again lonely. but i cant afford to feel down, and stay down. i feel like want to rest and runaway from the harsh things life has put me into.
this songs lyrics kinda help me understand ... by Shaun Groves, and here how it goes:

Lord, take me
From this place
Into a world that has no time.
No hurries, no worries,
Gladly I leave them all behind
Down here; I'm letting go and drawing near.

I wanna sing.
I wanna fly.
I wanna see from Your side of the sky.
I wanna love.
I wanna stay,
Wanna be close to You
Long after the music fades.

Lord, I come
To give You
Much more than just a melody.
Please take me and break me;
Right now God, I don't want to leave
Unchanged; I never wanna be the same.

'Cause Lord You are
Mighty, Awesome, Righteous,
Gracious, Knowing,
In me overflowing.
Father, Teacher, Master, Leader
Jealous, Loving, You are.
You are life.You are love.
You are everything that I'm needing

what happened since yesterday made me pause everything that i'm enjoying. and think, meditate, on every word that The Lord has given me to survive this life. after that i know, that He will catch me if i fall. and even though the music fades, He's life, He's love, He's everything that i'm needing.

Today's thought: when i'm gonna have a boyfriend, i want him to be well accepted in my friends.

for me, this day, was a tiring day! went to campus, work on my schedule, went to pim with caca, then to ps. along the way i got trapped in a traffic jam, and it's a bad one!! it drives me nuts, and gave me headache.

i have to work on my schedule so i can give it to prodak, but oh dear, i got no strength left!!!

so so tired!!!

another saturday night at home, and believe it or not, i have no regrets in being at home. after a lot of sleeping, i finally have something to do in front of the comp, and yes ... i can use it as long as i want to! why? cause my aunt want me to finish this layout for her letterhead, business card, receipt, etc. got some music on my yahoo! launch this evening and my mind pause for a moment while listening to the corrs' summer sunshine.

" in the heat of summer sunshine, i miss you like nobody else,
... i kiss you, and nobody needs to know ..."

how i really wanted that so bad! ahahahaha [laughter of deception]. it's been a week since i last went out with my friends and have dinner together. it has also been a week after we ate at this seafood restaurant on a parking lot in Kelapa Gading ... and it's been a week since i have this bloody stomach ache!! man, it's killing me and every fat that i still have left. i used to have this fat tummy that i'm actually proud of, but now, it's gone! back to that flat stomach again... [i like it also!]

i found this cute little girl, trying to reach up for something ... just like me. i'm in a 'reaching up' process... i dont want to reach out, i want to reach UP




photo from: Canid >> Eric Merrill

what's making my day busy lately? hmm let's see ... nothing! today: what i did today is mostly sleeping. i started by saying that i have a headache, and now, my lies turns into truth! damn! then other thing was this guy that sms me in the morning. he told me that someone gave me a song on the radio. the song was usher - burn. oh well, he told me that i'm cute and all. what a cheap way of courting a girl! pfffttt ... he has to do better than that!!

today, i'm kinda tired of writing ... so i'll stop soon.
so tired ...

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

when i type down that line here, what comes in my mind is not only about the physical. but more about the inside. sometimes, it's about the way we look at ourselves, how we pass judgement to ourselves, etc.

:: Everything // Alanis Morrissette ::

lately, i dont feel pretty at all. with all of these problems and negative thoughts running back and forth, occupying my mind, really made me look low at myself. i'm not suppose to act like i am today, i'm not suppose to think about me as i am today. i feel so reversible from the real me! and the truth is, i dont know what it takes to earn back my real me. i always think that it takes another person to give back my self-secure, but well, as we all can see, nobody want to take that particular role in my life. so i guess, once again, i should take over. but then, if i take over, i'll have no sensitivity in anything anymore. i need my God more than ever.

i ate a lot lately. my weight has gain 3kilos! but today, i got stomachache! darn it!

wash my hands, took off my contact lenses, wash my face, dried 'em up. turn on the tv, searching for the righh tune, grab my sketch pad ... starting to write ... 'bout anything.

i just watched one of Meryl Streep and Renne Zelweger's movie, called One True Thing. it taught me a lesson, that we shouldn't fill our life by dreaming and hoping for what is not there. but loving what we have, instead. hmm ... how those lines really took my full attention. realizing the contents of that email that i sent to jedi, and this new truth that i found, i find myself in contradiction.

so we do live in a contradicted dimension. and we're all lost in it. there's so many "VS"s om everything. what's the best thing ... how's the best thing for us to look it, then?

lot's of people, giving out comments and statements like: "so, here's how she sees it ..." but c'mon .. take a further, by digesting this deeper. do we really know the best thing to see things ... our way? or is it only leave us with other contradiction in the process?

i wont be a hypocrate ... i face this myself, and to be honest ... that's just one of thousands of elements that shapes, molds, and sculps life the way it is. contradictions, pros and cons, versuses, good and bad, right or wrong, even the decision to choose right over left ... are the ones that makes your life worth living. for the results ... the ending, the reward ... is extra ordinary. even beyond what life can explain.

dont quit ... keep on going! you're not alone...

at this moment, i'm trying to find me way on saying the things i want to say to jedi. i know he might be expecting an email from me - which stating so many reasons that he needs to know -but probably not as well. maybe he doesn't care that much about this foolish reasons of mine. i guess the feeling that occupied myself really does occupied myself totally. i can still think clearly, but my hearts cant decide which bold thing is right.. but then again, maybe right and wrong is only a vague impression.

and now... i paused, to think and try to reattach what i still have left. do i really still have anything left?